This article was written by Dr. Cynthia Shifrin, and published on the DivorceNet.com website on December 1, 2004:

As a psychotherapist about to begin my own divorce process in 1999, I knew the only way I could approach it was in the most conscious and compassionate way possible. With my mind and heart open, I committed to stay as far away from its destructive stereotype as possible. I didn't want my family or myself to suffer anymore than we already were. As prepared as I thought I was, I went through some feelings I had no idea would hit me. Divorce is emotionally painful, even for the spouse who initiates it, even under the most fair and civil of terms, and especially when children are involved. Put simply, keeping in mind the depth of its complexity, divorce is the end of a life within a life.

When a marriage ends, often the intense and devastating emotions a person goes through will trigger other unresolved and unconscious feelings, causing them to resurface. Trying to deal with difficult issues in the present, then having those intensified by ones from the past, can cause an individual to feel overwhelmed and vulnerable as they experience a variety of emotions: fear, anger, anxiety, guilt, shame, depression and everything in between. Divorce is traumatic. Similar to other traumatic events in life, it brings along an opportunity for growth and development.

When we first fall in love and commit our lives to the bonds of marriage and partnership, we make a profound investment with another to share our life and share our identity. Losing that investment through divorce is often frightening, always distressing, and frequently overwhelming. In time, there is the potential to take those losses and transform them into the gains of a new and fulfilling life. Initially, and even for awhile, that can be an impossible concept to envision, let alone embrace, especially for the spouse who didn't initiate their marriage ending, the one who is often left in utter disbelief and deep despair.

Psychotherapy's goal is to move an individual through their emotional distress and into a place of personal growth, enabling them to reconcile their feelings and develop the psychological strength necessary to optimistically begin their new life. Even after the divorce is final, there will be new issues and emotions associated to that phase of adjustment: being on one’s own, co-parenting, dating again, monetary life-style changes, re-entering the work force, and the former spouse’s re-marriage. Whatever one is struggling with, it’s the working through of feelings and the resolution of issues, along with the gift of grace that accompanies the passage of time that enables a person to transcend their difficult challenges.

Individuals who work with a mental health professional as they move through each stage of their divorce process will be better equipped to make healthier choices for themselves and for their children, who need their parents to be rational and not reactive in order to feel safe. Children depend upon their parents' guidance as they navigate throughout this frightening and disruptive transition; and parents need professional guidance to fully understand their children's emotional and developmental needs during this time.

As challenging as it may be, depending on the circumstances that led to the decision to divorce, respect and cooperation between divorcing parents is necessary to help children effectively cope with their internal and external worlds. Over time, compassion can be nurtured within a divorcing couple, enabling harmony and trust to be established. If compassion can't be felt between spouses, it can be felt for one's children, encouraging parents to be more thoughtful and considerate.

Knowing what I know both professionally and personally about ending a marriage, I wanted to assist others by offering helpful tools and strategies to most effectively master the psychological dynamics and consequences of divorce. My intention is to work toward ending its destructiveness, which has been historically promoted by many within, and associated with, the legal system. It's imperative that attorneys, judges, accountants, financial planners, and other professionals understand that caring to a family's mental health is just as important as caring to the details in the division of assets and the specifics of the parenting plan. Fortunately, there are currently many more family law attorneys and judges who align with a compassionate and constructive approach to the dissolution of marriage.

Divorce affects the well-being of the entire family. More often than not, individuals (especially children) feel victimized throughout its process. It is psychologically damaging for a family going through the devastation of breaking apart to be further traumatized by all out divorce warfare. Sadly and inevitably, battling only results in emotionally wounded casualties, leaving innocent children the hardest hit. This destructiveness needs to stop and a more constructive model needs to replace it altogether.

In our current society, divorce is clearly a fact of life. Ultimately, it is in the best interest of all of us to end the victimization of divorcing families. This is especially necessary for the protection of all the innocent children feeling so powerless caught in the middle of an extremely disconcerting, confusing, and unwanted situation. These children deserve, at the very least, to not merely survive but potentially thrive in the throes and aftermath of their parents' divorce.